Style Invitational Week 1296: A, we’re adorbs — a poetry contest Write a poem using one of the 35 new words at M-W.com; plus winning limericks (Bob Staake for The Washington Post) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 6 (Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning limericks) I’ve the best-looking beard, horns and coat. I’m a natural at nibbling a note. I climb mountains with ease, And each nanny agrees I’m the *Greatest Of All Time *— the *GOAT!* (Jesse Frankovich) We may be a venerable 25 years old — that’s “we” The Style Invitational, not Royal We the Empress, who, uh, used to be 25 — but we do try to stay current. And this week, courtesy of our pals over at Merriam-Webster, we bring you these 35 new terms that were among those added just this past Tuesday to its online dictionary . (See the list at the bottom of this column, below the results.) But AHA! The Loser Community is right there with you, MerriWeb. By total coincidence, this week we present the results of our contest for limericks featuring words beginning “gl-” through “go-” — which included Jesse’s use of “GOAT” in its new, acronymic sense. (Jon Gearhart also did one but poor Jon was out-GOATed.) And so let’s get some more:*This week: Use one or more of these words new to M-W.com in a humorous poem of eight lines max.* They must be used in the way they’re defined in the new M-W.com listings; e.g., “CBD” is for the marijuana component cannabidiol, and not for, say, “couldn’t be dumber.” The online Invite has links to all the definitions; my Style Conversational column lists list mini-definitions so you won’t have to click on each one; or you can go straight to M-W.com. (And we don’t want to hear “TL;DR.”)** Submit entries at the website *wapo.st/enter-invite-1296* (all lowercase). Winner gets the *Lose Cannon, * our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of four mildly risque magnets with cartoons of dogs; in one, there’s a boxer on his hind legs and the slogan “Your dog doesn’t know sit”; another says, “Friend request” under a picture of a dog sniffing another dog’s butt. Inexplicably regifted by Loser Edward Gordon,who won them in Week 1158. *Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.” Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better” or “IDiot Card.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 17; *results published Oct. 7 (online Oct. 4). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline for this week’s results come from both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev . “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday ; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter. *The Style Conversational * The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv . And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . . *GLimericks and GOggerel: The Limerixicon of Week 1292 * *Week 1292 * marked our 15th annual Limerixicon, in which we ask for limericks featuring words from a little sliver of the dictionary — this year beginning with GL- to GO- — to help the folks at OEDILF.com continue to amass a whole dictionary in limerick form. These inking entries today might well push the ILFers over the 100,000-lim mark. 4th place She wore *go-go boots,* shorts and a bra. When I saw her, I laid down the law: “I don’t care if your mates Dress like that on their dates, You are not going out like that, Ma!” (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.) 3rd place One of the fetching magnets that constitute our second prize this week. Stop talking to Vlad? He won’t buy it. Gotta find a new way he’ll keep quiet. So we’ve taken the phone From his *golf cart *and throne, And now Trump’s on a Putin-free diet. – J. Kelly, Washington (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) 2nd place and theBig Mac-shaped candy and gummy rat : A *gnat* is a minuscule fly, While a Nat is a bat-wielding guy. When a gnat bites it itches, A Nat swings at pitches. October’s when both of them die. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: His assistant said, "Sir, you're so late! Should I call to arrange a new date? 'Cause those two other chaps Could reschedule, perhaps . . ." "No, it's fine," said *Godot*. "Let 'em wait." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Hind lims: Honorable mentions Since he was the original *G-man* J. Edgar was truly a key man In time, though, we learned Where apparel’s concerned He just wasn’t that much of a he-man. (Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.) Said the Zen monk, “Beware of this trap: Do not focus on what’s in your lap.” Said the novice, “But why?” “*Gonorrhea!* No lie! Ever heard of the ‘one-handed clap’ ”? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) An alien, programmed to roam, Lands on Earth many light-years from home. When kids learn that he’s not A real dwarf, as they’d thought, They make fun of him: “E.T., faux *gnome!*” (Chris Doyle) She was Trump’s protegee (till he canned her!); Now he’s charged Omarosa with slander. If backstabbing’s your trade, Do expect it repaid: It’s as good for the *goose* as the gander. (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) When *Goldilocks* traveled to see ’em, She arranged to arrive in the p.m. Growled her hosts: “Rooms ain’t free In our BearBNB!” And they charged her a hefty per diem. (Jackie Beals, Staunton, Va.) “The White House? As soon as I win it, I’ll go there and always stay in it. Behind my big desk I’ll be so Churchillesque! And for *golf* I won’t have a spare minute .” — Candidate Trump, February 2016 (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.) The grand host of the party showed honor: He said, “Nobody here is a *goner!* I’ve made a nice stew; It’s all good for you.” They replied, “Thanks a lot, Mr. Donner.” (Neal Starkman, Seattle) A coldhearted meanie from **Gloucester* * Had a wife, but he badgered and boucester. Short-tempered, imperious – It’s not too mysterious Figuring out why he loucester. (Brendan Beary) The cowardly Colonel McGee Turned and fled from the fight toward the sea. His acts, far from *glorious,* Have made him notorious For shouting, “Retreat after me!” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) Our travel site’s special, you know. With a click of your mouse, it will show Tons of toilets, and loads Of latrines and commodes— We’ve got all the best places to *go. * (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) “*Going *once,” said the old auctioneer In a voice tinged with pride and quite clear. “Going twice,” he did shout; I said, “Swell, now get out! There’s a line for the men’s room out here.” (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) The man in the White House, alas, Is craven, corrupted and crass. He sees his reflection And murmurs, “Perfection!” While we see a pain in the *glass.* (Nan Reiner) *God *is modern; he’s no longer prone To carve rules on a tablet of stone. On his iPad in Heaven Types Commandment Eleven: Thou shalt not send drunk tweets on thy phone. (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) “Stupid job!” he exclaimed, far from hearty. “Where’s the keg and the girls? Tell me, smarty!” “Mr. President, sir, I regret, as it were, *GOP* isn’t /that / kind of party.” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) With sculpting perfection a must, O’er every last detail Anne fussed. She chiseled from boulders One head and two shoulders: Now Anne has a pretty *gneiss *bust. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.) It’s repulsive! We scarcely can cope! Still I cling to a *glimmer* of hope That our carpooler Bruce Might today have made use Of deodorant, toothbrush and soap. (Brendan Beary) Word is out that the National Zoo’s Just begun to air round-the-clock views Of a wildebeest cow Close to calving right now. Check your listings for “Eyewitness *Gnus.*” (Chris Doyle) Joe Beaver inquired of his paw: “This tree — should we purchase a saw To fell it? A chopper? Would hatchets be proper?” His father, laconically:*“Gnaw.” * (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) If a guy’s wearing short and loose pants With no underwear on, there’s a chance You’ll observe a bit more Than you’re bargaining for: You may spot the man’s *glans *at a *glance. *(Jesse Frankovich) “I was *gobsmacked!*” she told me offhand. “I says, ‘Bugger me! This weren’t planned!’ Me son’s son ties the knot With some Yank bird – what rot!” (Yes, your majesty, I understand.) (Brendan Beary) To our love you pronounced a death knell, Though you told me you still wished me well. But I’m feeling less so, So*gl fo,* ** * *And I hope I don’t join you in hell. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) *Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 10: our contest for jokes in the “bad/really bad” format. Seewapo.st/invite1295 . *